About Me

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of drudgery, it was the age of ruthlessness, it was the era of single lady clowns, it was the era of sexy time, there were seasons of Kardashians , seasons of Teen Mom, it was the spring of killer tans, it was the winter of vitamin D deficiency, we had All- American before us, we had dead fucking last before us, we were all going directly to Heaven, some were going directly the other way, this period is unlike any before it, even the crankiest grandmas and emo-est teens, could agree, for good or for evil, this is the pinnacle, it all goes down from here.

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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Heard on the Heights--Back in Old Country

Who says BC isn't diverse? A week of classes can feel like a trip through the "countries of the world" at Epcot. I've had broken-English professors from France, Iran, Turkey, India, South Boston, and even Jewlandia (my roommate)...and I regularly experience the pleasure of hearing their Borat-style idioms and butchered English language. Here are a few that I deemed worthy to write down in class not knowing that they would later be fodder for my blog:

"this blow minding!"

"every man has different way of eating goat"

"this called 'voting with feet'"

"no drink for you!"
-I was hoping he would correct himself and change his example to "no soup for you"

"you all my son and daughter!"

"I really fotched this graph"
-I must admit, this teacher was actually American. Maybe he truly did somehow "fire crotch" the problem instead of "botching" it like a true American

There will CERTAINLY be more of this to come

Monday, January 24, 2011

Top 5 Jailbait-B. Baggins

After the positive response to our top 5 dilfs posts, we decided to apply our thoughtful natures in an opposite manner. We thus bring you our top 5 Jailbait guys. Yes, this is a touchy subject, but we insist that no minors were harmed in the making of this list. We have no interest in ruining the purity of childhood, and as we have learned from various prison shows-chomos (or Child Molesters) are the lowest on the criminal totem pole. With that said, here is my innocent list of my favorite U-18's

5) Lou Serafini--Could this little guy be any more precious? Maybe if he were his father: Rocco

4) Underage Leonardo Dicaprio--Not only can he make me shed tears in This Boy's Life and What's Eating Gilbert Grape with his outstanding acting skillz, BUT he also grows up to play Jack Dawson (Titanic) or The-Most-Perfect-Male-Specimen-I've-Ever-Seen.

3) Justin Bieber-He professed that he will by me anything and buy me any ring, so I plan to take him up on that offer. How this Canadian can rival Usher on the dance floor stumps me, but he has been endowed with that gift on top of a dulcet prepubescent voice. Try looking at the Teen Magazine section of CVS without being bombarded with his angelic image

2) Eric Matthews on Boy Meets World (played by Will Friedle)--Yes, Eric not only trumps his endearing jew-fro-tastic brother Corey and Corey's best friend Shawn, but he's even hotter than Mr. Feeny. Eric's light hearted spirit puts him miles ahead of emo poor kid Shawn Hunter.

1) Zack Morris (played by Mark Paul Gosselaar)--Although Boy Meets World trumps Saved by the Bell in its overall entertainment value, Zack Morris represents all that is right with teen television. Only in the realm of tv land can a hot, funny cross country runner exist (who is also capable of getting a 1500 on his SAT!) Though I'm ashamed to say that I got most into this show in the mornings during my senior year of high school, I was not immune to Zack's mischievous charm.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

If our lives on the track team were more like Miracle

First of all, sorry to our devoted fans for the extended hiatus from our blog. We were enjoying much time in the crypt (bed) over break and watching numerous movies, including Miracle and the Lord of the Rings trilogy (more on this later)

Our Miracle watching experience was riddled with jokes about our own pathetic experiences with Division I sports. Everyone loves a good inspirational sport movie, but we found this one EXTRA applicable to our own lives.

The tale starts when coach RT sets out to find the perfect team to bring pride to BC. (You can exchange the names Herb Brooks and USA if you'd like) He flies in athletes from all over the country. Chicago, Newton Highlands, etc. After brief deliberation of one day he decides upon the perfect dream team. (in Dildo Daggins's case he decided in one recruiting call). Athletic director Gene Del Falupo must have questioned RT's seemingly reckless choices with a conversation parallel to Herb's

Gene: You picked these two already? You brought in some of the best recruits in the country: Shelby Greaney, Emily Jones...And you sign Dildo Daggins and Wednesday Addams?!?!

RT: I'm not looking for the best runners. I'm looking for the right runners.

[RT walks off with an air of defiance]

Troubles soon arose within the team. Rivals from the Midwest and Boston clashed like Sauron and Gandalf's armies. I remember like it was yesterday when I met my partner in crime/roommate at the Nike Outdoor Nationals track meet in June 2009. The following dialogue is accurate:

Daggins: Hey are you Wednesday Addams? I'm going to be on your team next year at BC. I saw you won the four mile relay. Your team did great!

Addams: [gloriously bored] Cool.

Daggins: Ok...good luck with your next race and see you in the fall!

Addams: bye.

After a few training montages, we learned to become a family, and Coach RT may have shed a few tears when our love was finally presented to him. "I'm Dildo Daggins. I'm from Chicago. and I run for BC"

Though not all times were good. We have suffered many DFL's and ass whuppins. Praise de lawd for those training montages though. The two of us scrubs were merely one DMX song away from making the transformation from iron deficiency to resume-boosing "National Champion" status once again. Instead of spending weeks and months in the plex pool and the harsh elements outdoor, we merely had to suffer through a quickly spliced together montage. Editing FTW!

All of this is meaningless though without our final showdown against the evil communists (Providence's slower runners) coached by Igor Karkaroff. The underdogs had been shat upon for days leading up to the competition, but the troops prevailed (somewhat) Hopefully our story has not come to an end yet, seeing as the two of us have yet to succeed Herb Brooks style in college. We shall keep you updated on our future successes and our blogular goings-on.

-D. Daggins
-W. Addams

Sunday, January 2, 2011

New Years Resolutions--By Dildo Daggins

New Year's Eve isn't merely about hosting a slizzard-fest in my newly re-carpeted basement. It's a chance to turn over a new leaf and begin the next 365 days with a clean slate and aspire to become the best person I can be! For most people this means purchasing a Costco size package of niccotiene gum, taking a break for beating your maid, or crowding MY gym for the first fortnight of January (the weak ones fortunately drop off quickly)

My New Years resolutions deviate slightly from the norm, but I hope to cover the many areas of my life that I deem important.

5) Hit up the lipyunj (aka library) only enough to graduate from my position as "laziest bum at BC" and to see Cory get kicked out for public masturbating

4) Refrain from some of the crude and perverted humor that I have been publicly indulging in on an increasing scale as of late. Fear not, I shall remain as verbose and inappropriate as ever under my blogging pen name "Dildo Daggins" and in the privacy of Mordor, where I reside.

3) Watch at least 75 of the American Film Institute's Top 100 Films   I'm already at 45 so let's gooooo!

2)Work on having a sprinter booty so I can run like a supple young 20 year old instead of the Grandma that I am. Best case scenario: I qualify for nationals and don't have to attend my brother's Confirmation!

1) This was on last year's list, and it is fairly all encompassing--
"Be less of a bitch"

Sunday, December 26, 2010

A Prinsoner's Dilemma

Many viewers have been touched by the difficulties ex convicts face in movies like The Shawshank Redemption. "Like, that would suck SO bad! You wouldn't know what clothes to wear!" How does a man live in the free world when he's been trained in the prison system for years? Well guess what: Us college students face this problem as well approximately 2 times a year.

1) We attend an "institution". That lumps us in with prisoners. There's a reason that Father Leahy doesn't "let the inmates run the asylum"

2) I feel lost without the structure of scheduled exercise time (thanks to Warden RT) and designated meals that are given to  me. Where are my dining hall corn muffins?! I have been living on Lean Cuisines and laughing cow cheese--

3) I no longer have mandatory work to do, I would say that pounding out history papers somewhat parallels laying bricks or stamping license plates. At the airport I felt an urge to stimulate my mind and buy a book on behavior economics, but since Hudson News didn't have this title in stock, I fell back on the next best option: Cosmopolitan.

4) I'm going to draw a comparison here to Tim Robbins's character. After working for eons and eons to dig his way out of the prison wall with a metal spoon, I felt similar after my hours of caffeine-fueled studying for my last final. When I finally escaped Fulton Hall on Monday, December 20th, I truly understood the euphoria of emerging from the sewage system and tunnels of poop into the free world

What happens now? I know not. I hope I do not end up like the old man hanging from the railing. Though I lack the social nuances and structured lifestyle to forge a purpose for myself in the next few months, I think sitting on my ass and watching more Netflix will serve me well in my blogging duties. I hope I will not let down our readers for lack of movie references and analogies.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Redundant Pandora Ads

If you spend enough time on Pandora, You will notice that they cycle through a limited number of audio advertisements. These are not targeted at specific audiences, as I have noticed through my stations based on Bob Dylan, DMX, the Jackson 5, Movie Scores, and 90's club music. Some of our favorites:

  • McCafe--Treat yourself to sweet cappuchinos, lattes, and more!
This one is pretty accurate, of course I like 90's trance/dance music AND have an infatuation with drugs. Pandora recognizes that caffeine is the most accessible and I can get my fix for only $1.79 at my local McDonald's
  • You've just won 250 free business cards from VistaPrint! 
How did my thumbs up to the song "X Gon' Give it to ya'" indicate that I need 250 free business cards? My proficiency in the career field of Fucking Shit Up is known merely by word of mouth
  • Among those who consider a heavy snowfall in Ski country a sick day? You're one of us. Boston.com
Ok, they've got me here. I go to school in Boston. Where are they getting this information from?! Google?! My account on Pornhub.com?

Little Girls Room-quote of the day

Though I do not have adequate experience in men's bathrooms to pass judgment on whatever is written in there, I have come to understand the many nuances of the Little Girls rooms all across campus. A trip to the potty is often as inspirational and uplifting as a viewing of "Akeelah and the Bee". Contrary to what Tina Fey would have us (and my dad) believe through the movie "Mean Girls" these writings are far from a burn book. Here is an exerpt from the 5th floor of O'Neill (fourth stall)

I tend to not feel my most beautiful while in a bathroom stall in the library, so this author really understood when to capture her audience!