About Me

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of drudgery, it was the age of ruthlessness, it was the era of single lady clowns, it was the era of sexy time, there were seasons of Kardashians , seasons of Teen Mom, it was the spring of killer tans, it was the winter of vitamin D deficiency, we had All- American before us, we had dead fucking last before us, we were all going directly to Heaven, some were going directly the other way, this period is unlike any before it, even the crankiest grandmas and emo-est teens, could agree, for good or for evil, this is the pinnacle, it all goes down from here.

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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Heard on the Heights--Back in Old Country

Who says BC isn't diverse? A week of classes can feel like a trip through the "countries of the world" at Epcot. I've had broken-English professors from France, Iran, Turkey, India, South Boston, and even Jewlandia (my roommate)...and I regularly experience the pleasure of hearing their Borat-style idioms and butchered English language. Here are a few that I deemed worthy to write down in class not knowing that they would later be fodder for my blog:

"this blow minding!"

"every man has different way of eating goat"

"this called 'voting with feet'"

"no drink for you!"
-I was hoping he would correct himself and change his example to "no soup for you"

"you all my son and daughter!"

"I really fotched this graph"
-I must admit, this teacher was actually American. Maybe he truly did somehow "fire crotch" the problem instead of "botching" it like a true American

There will CERTAINLY be more of this to come

Monday, January 24, 2011

Top 5 Jailbait-B. Baggins

After the positive response to our top 5 dilfs posts, we decided to apply our thoughtful natures in an opposite manner. We thus bring you our top 5 Jailbait guys. Yes, this is a touchy subject, but we insist that no minors were harmed in the making of this list. We have no interest in ruining the purity of childhood, and as we have learned from various prison shows-chomos (or Child Molesters) are the lowest on the criminal totem pole. With that said, here is my innocent list of my favorite U-18's

5) Lou Serafini--Could this little guy be any more precious? Maybe if he were his father: Rocco

4) Underage Leonardo Dicaprio--Not only can he make me shed tears in This Boy's Life and What's Eating Gilbert Grape with his outstanding acting skillz, BUT he also grows up to play Jack Dawson (Titanic) or The-Most-Perfect-Male-Specimen-I've-Ever-Seen.

3) Justin Bieber-He professed that he will by me anything and buy me any ring, so I plan to take him up on that offer. How this Canadian can rival Usher on the dance floor stumps me, but he has been endowed with that gift on top of a dulcet prepubescent voice. Try looking at the Teen Magazine section of CVS without being bombarded with his angelic image

2) Eric Matthews on Boy Meets World (played by Will Friedle)--Yes, Eric not only trumps his endearing jew-fro-tastic brother Corey and Corey's best friend Shawn, but he's even hotter than Mr. Feeny. Eric's light hearted spirit puts him miles ahead of emo poor kid Shawn Hunter.

1) Zack Morris (played by Mark Paul Gosselaar)--Although Boy Meets World trumps Saved by the Bell in its overall entertainment value, Zack Morris represents all that is right with teen television. Only in the realm of tv land can a hot, funny cross country runner exist (who is also capable of getting a 1500 on his SAT!) Though I'm ashamed to say that I got most into this show in the mornings during my senior year of high school, I was not immune to Zack's mischievous charm.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

If our lives on the track team were more like Miracle

First of all, sorry to our devoted fans for the extended hiatus from our blog. We were enjoying much time in the crypt (bed) over break and watching numerous movies, including Miracle and the Lord of the Rings trilogy (more on this later)

Our Miracle watching experience was riddled with jokes about our own pathetic experiences with Division I sports. Everyone loves a good inspirational sport movie, but we found this one EXTRA applicable to our own lives.

The tale starts when coach RT sets out to find the perfect team to bring pride to BC. (You can exchange the names Herb Brooks and USA if you'd like) He flies in athletes from all over the country. Chicago, Newton Highlands, etc. After brief deliberation of one day he decides upon the perfect dream team. (in Dildo Daggins's case he decided in one recruiting call). Athletic director Gene Del Falupo must have questioned RT's seemingly reckless choices with a conversation parallel to Herb's

Gene: You picked these two already? You brought in some of the best recruits in the country: Shelby Greaney, Emily Jones...And you sign Dildo Daggins and Wednesday Addams?!?!

RT: I'm not looking for the best runners. I'm looking for the right runners.

[RT walks off with an air of defiance]

Troubles soon arose within the team. Rivals from the Midwest and Boston clashed like Sauron and Gandalf's armies. I remember like it was yesterday when I met my partner in crime/roommate at the Nike Outdoor Nationals track meet in June 2009. The following dialogue is accurate:

Daggins: Hey are you Wednesday Addams? I'm going to be on your team next year at BC. I saw you won the four mile relay. Your team did great!

Addams: [gloriously bored] Cool.

Daggins: Ok...good luck with your next race and see you in the fall!

Addams: bye.

After a few training montages, we learned to become a family, and Coach RT may have shed a few tears when our love was finally presented to him. "I'm Dildo Daggins. I'm from Chicago. and I run for BC"

Though not all times were good. We have suffered many DFL's and ass whuppins. Praise de lawd for those training montages though. The two of us scrubs were merely one DMX song away from making the transformation from iron deficiency to resume-boosing "National Champion" status once again. Instead of spending weeks and months in the plex pool and the harsh elements outdoor, we merely had to suffer through a quickly spliced together montage. Editing FTW!

All of this is meaningless though without our final showdown against the evil communists (Providence's slower runners) coached by Igor Karkaroff. The underdogs had been shat upon for days leading up to the competition, but the troops prevailed (somewhat) Hopefully our story has not come to an end yet, seeing as the two of us have yet to succeed Herb Brooks style in college. We shall keep you updated on our future successes and our blogular goings-on.

-D. Daggins
-W. Addams

Sunday, January 2, 2011

New Years Resolutions--By Dildo Daggins

New Year's Eve isn't merely about hosting a slizzard-fest in my newly re-carpeted basement. It's a chance to turn over a new leaf and begin the next 365 days with a clean slate and aspire to become the best person I can be! For most people this means purchasing a Costco size package of niccotiene gum, taking a break for beating your maid, or crowding MY gym for the first fortnight of January (the weak ones fortunately drop off quickly)

My New Years resolutions deviate slightly from the norm, but I hope to cover the many areas of my life that I deem important.

5) Hit up the lipyunj (aka library) only enough to graduate from my position as "laziest bum at BC" and to see Cory get kicked out for public masturbating

4) Refrain from some of the crude and perverted humor that I have been publicly indulging in on an increasing scale as of late. Fear not, I shall remain as verbose and inappropriate as ever under my blogging pen name "Dildo Daggins" and in the privacy of Mordor, where I reside.

3) Watch at least 75 of the American Film Institute's Top 100 Films   I'm already at 45 so let's gooooo!

2)Work on having a sprinter booty so I can run like a supple young 20 year old instead of the Grandma that I am. Best case scenario: I qualify for nationals and don't have to attend my brother's Confirmation!

1) This was on last year's list, and it is fairly all encompassing--
"Be less of a bitch"